


Am I Evil?

by Not__Misha__Collins



Category: Doctor Who (2005)
Genre: Dark Doctor (Doctor Who), Depression, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, F/M, Guilt, Pregnancy, Recovery, Self-Harm, Self-Reflection, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-04-03
Updated: 2017-11-29
Packaged: 2018-10-14 08:10:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 2,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10532406
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Not__Misha__Collins/pseuds/Not__Misha__Collins
Summary: Metacrisis Doctor goes home with Rose, but he's not the Doctor. He calls himself "Ten," and he is not the Doctor, he will never be the Doctor, and he is so sorry for that.A "Dark Doctor" fic, but not in the way you think.





	1. Beginnings

They stayed on the beach until sunset, when the Doctor clone followed Rose to a hotel for the night. In the morning, they headed home, to the mansion. The Doctor was silent, as was Rose, until the Doctor spoke.  
“Am I evil?” He pondered.  
“What?” She was taken aback, “Why would you ask that?”  
“Just answer the question,” He gritted his teeth, then sniffed.  
“Doctor…”  
“There’s a reason I was left here, right?”  
“You killed the Daleks, helped save the universe,” Rose assured him, “The Doctor was just being careful.”  
“By banishing me to another universe?” The clone grew frustrated, “Why? So I can destroy it? So I can hurt you?”  
Rose wanted to chime in by saying he’d never hurt her, but the Doctor had his head in his hands, slyly wiping his eyes of tears.  
“Doctor.”  
“Why didn’t HE stay with you?” The Doctor asked, “Why didn’t he just kill me, and…”  
“You know he wouldn’t do that. YOU wouldn’t do that.”  
“I’m not him. I’m just a clone, a cheap, dollar-store knock off.”  
“Don’t say that!”  
“It’s true,” He said, “The sooner you get that…What if I hurt you? What if, I just…got violent and lashed out?”  
“You wouldn’t.”  
“How do you know?” He demanded, “I’m not him, okay? He put me here so you could fix me, but…you can’t. You don’t even know me. I’m sorry, Rose.”  
“It’s okay,” She rubbed his back, “Look, we’ll…We’ll start over, okay? My name is Rose Tyler.”  
He smiled, grateful for her kindness.  
“I’m…the Doctor,” He spoke, “But you can call me Ten, if you’d like.”  
“Ten?” She raised an eyebrow.  
“Body number ten,” He answered, “Nine regenerations. Well…yeah, let’s go with that.”  
“I like Ten.”  
…  
“What in the name of…Oh, it’s you,” Jackie realized.  
“Oh! Good morning!” Ten greeted as he flipped a pancake.  
“It’s six-thirty.”  
“Yes.”  
“On a weekend.”  
“Right,” The Doctor caught on, “Yes. My internal clock is off ever since I became…I’ve been waking up every couple of hours. Now I’m hungry. Pancakes?”  
“No, thank you. I’m going back to be, and so should you.”  
Jackie made way to bed as Ten retrieved a plate for his breakfast. Momentarily, he touched the hot part of the pan, and winced.  
…  
Scratch. Like an itch, but over and over again, until the skin breaks. It won’t alert Rose. She doesn’t care, she doesn’t touch you, doesn’t love you. Because you’re not him.  
…  
He shouldn’t like this. He shouldn’t be enjoying this. He’s a Time Lord, for god’s sake. Oh, who are you kidding? You’re a fake, a fraud, a sham…Whatever you call it, you’re not him! And you never will be him. And she knows it. She has to face you, every day, and she thinks of him.  
“Doctor…Uh, Ten,” Rose called, worried, “You okay in there?”  
“Fine!” He yelled, “Just, really like the hot water.”  
“All right, then. Let me know if you need anything.”  
“Will do.”  
He let the hot water burn on his skin. The good thing about showers is that no one knows if you’ve been crying. Eventually, though, he did step out, get dressed, and join Rose in her bed. It felt weird sleeping next to her, being with her, like he didn’t belong. He doesn’t, and he knows it. He doesn’t belong here, or anywhere.  
…  
Rose awoke to Ten’s kicking feet and whimpering. She shook him gently awake.  
“Oh,” He said sleepily, “Hi, Rose.”  
To his surprise, she petted his hair.  
“Have you always had nightmares?”  
“What do you mean?”  
“You were kicking, like you were running from something. What was it?”  
He shook his head, and Rose hugged him.  
“You don’t have to tell me,” she said, “But, if you really need to…get it out, you should keep a journal. Write down your nightmares, thoughts, whatever…”  
“A journal,” He pondered, “Do you have any paper?”


	2. Addiction

“Mom, he won’t get out of bed,” Rose complained.  
“He’s depressed,” Jackie and Rose observed Ten (in Rose’s room) from the hallway.  
“Depressed?”  
“Put yourself in his shoes,” Jackie explained, “Having all your memories, your experiences, but…being…a dog or something.”  
“A dog?” Rose laughed at the absurdity.  
“I can hear you,” Ten complained.  
“Sorry,” Jackie and Rose both said.  
Rose glanced to Jackie, indicating for time alone, and went to sit next to Ten. Jackie left the two of them.  
“She’s right,” Ten said, “I used to be able to travel time and space.”  
“Now you’re stuck with me.”  
“Don’t say it like that, Rose,” He said, touching her cheek, “Besides, it’s the other way around.”  
She noticed the red marks on his forearm, like it’d been scratched.  
“What happened?”  
“It was an accident,” He said, “I fell.”  
“Repeatedly? On the one arm?”  
“Rose…” He sighed.  
“Ten…”  
He was silent.  
“Don’t do this…”  
He glared at her. “You cannot BEGIN to understand…”  
“I can understand pain.”  
“Not like this!” He exclaimed, “I’m nine hundred years old, Rose!”  
She caressed his arm.  
“How long?” She asked.  
“How long have I been here?”  
“Couple weeks?”  
Ten lifted his shirt to reveal scratches on his side.  
“Nails, if you’re wondering,” He said, “My nails, or sandpaper, metal objects, scissors.”  
This whole time, how could she miss it?  
“I didn’t let you touch me, that’s how.”  
“Did you just read my mind?”  
“Kind of. I read your emotions, face, body language.”  
Gently, she touched the sores on his body. He’d been trying to hide it before, but not now. Why not?  
“Because I can’t stop,” He said.  
“Okay, that’s weird. Stop it.”  
“Sorry,” He said, “Help me, Rose.”  
She nodded.  
“Sit up,” She said, waiting as he did so, “You…you like pain, right?”  
“I can’t stop.”  
“And you trust me?”  
“With my life.”  
Another nod. She grabbed his hair, pulling to the point of it almost hurting, then kissed him. She drew the air right out of him, quite literally, then let him go.  
“Th…that was nice,” He said, a new feeling bubbling up inside him.  
“I’ll bet it was,” She said aggressively.  
“You’re not new to this.”  
“What? Pulling hair? Course not.”  
“Thank you, Rose.”  
“Promise you won’t do it again,” She said, “You’ll come to me, we’ll talk. Do some more of this. Safe, fun.”  
“I’ll try.”  
“Good. Know you can talk to me, about anything. I love you.”  
No, you love HIM.  
“I love you, too.”  
A pause.  
“What is it?” She asked.  
“What is what?”  
“You have the face.”  
“What face?”  
“Doc…Ten…”  
“You keep doing that,” He said. And how it hurts, “I’m sorry I remind you of him.”  
Ten stood up.  
“Where are you going?” Rose asked.  
“A walk,” He said, “I need fresh air. I’ll be right back, I promise.”  
“Okay.”  
…  
“It’s been three hours. He should have been back by now, mom!”  
“You’re right…but, maybe he went shopping.”  
“For three hours?”  
“You’ve been to the mall, you know how it is.”  
“I doubt he’s at the mall.”  
Just then, the door opened, and Ten entered, but he looked different. His hair was trimmed, and a messy tinted red on his head, and he wore jeans and a t-shirt. Rose hugged him.  
“Where have you been?” she demanded.  
“The mall,” He said, “Pete let me borrow his credit card, and I went shopping, changed my clothes, hair…Do you like it?”  
“It’s different.”  
“Not very descriptive, Rose.”  
“Look, it’s your hair, do what you want with it.”  
“Glad to hear you say that.”  
…  
It got worse the next month and a half. Ten never left his bed except when he was dragged out, literally and metaphorically, by Rose to take a shower, eat, or just go outside. He didn’t have the energy, and he knew Rose, and probably the rest of the Tyler’s, were getting sick of him.  
“Something, is wrong with me, Rose,” He told her one day.  
“I know,” She said, sympathetically.  
“I’m sorry.”  
“For what?”  
“Sorry that we can’t travel anymore. I miss being able to travel, anywhere, anytime. Fight the next baddie, and move on…”  
“You’re not the Doctor.”  
“Must you keep reminding me?” He grieved.  
“But maybe that’s a good thing.”  
“How?”  
“You can’t run to the ends of the universe to escape your problems.”


	3. Doctor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> This chapter contains mentions of suicide/attempted suicide.

The room was dark, the only light coming from a lamp, casting a shadow on a familiar figure.  
“Doctor…” Ten spoke.  
“You know she doesn’t love you,” the Doctor spoke, “No matter what you do, what you change, she won’t love you.”  
“You’re not real. This is a dream.”  
“Does it matter? You know it’s true. Deep down, you know who she thinks of when she touches you, kisses you…”  
“Shut up,” Ten threatened.  
“And you know you’re not good enough, and she knows it.”  
“She loves me.”  
“Well, of course! At least, that’s what she SAYS.”  
“Why would she lie?” Ten demanded.  
“To save your feelings. Or because she’s afraid.”  
“Afraid of what?”  
“What’ll happen if she rejects you.”  
“She knows I wouldn’t hurt her.”  
“You REALLY don’t see it, do you?” The Doctor asked, then shouted, “God, you’re so BROKEN! Don’t you see she’s tired of your moping and whining? Oh, I’m so sad, I don’t want to get up! Rose, help me! Oh, how she wishes you would disappear.”  
“You’re lying,” Ten said, with little confidence.  
“How many times have we had this conversation? How many more do we have to go through before you finally get it? She. Doesn’t. Want. You. She was doing so well on her own before you showed up, all needy, dragging her down.”  
“Well, at least I stayed!”  
The Doctor peered at him.  
“You know what I think?”  
“What?”  
“I think you should do it.”  
“Do what?”  
“You know what,” The Doctor spoke, “That thing you keep thinking about, avoiding, pushing to the back of your mind. Let Rose forget you, move on with her life.”  
Ten was silent.  
“She…she’d be happy?”  
“Oh, yes. And free.”  
…  
“Ten? Ten, wake up!” Rose shouted, attempting to shake him awake.


	4. Who

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Ten's suicide attempt, he and Rose talk

Ten awoke with a headache. He was in a hospital room. Upon seeing him, Rose squeezed the living daylights out of him.  
“I thought…You were…foaming, and…I couldn’t wake you up…What happened?”  
“I had this…dream,” Ten answered.  
“Dream?”  
Ten explained.  
“That wasn’t a dream, you git!” She said, then retracted at the harshness, “That was you.”  
“Me?”  
“Your subconscious. Everyone has one. And yours thinks you aren’t good enough for me. Besides, the Doctor isn’t that cruel.”  
“He’s crueler to himself than to anyone else,” Ten replied.  
Rose took his hand.  
“He shouldn’t be.”  
“Do you love me?” He asked.  
“Yes,” Rose said.  
“Do you really mean that, or are you just…”  
“I’m not afraid of you, and yes I do mean it.”  
“If he came back, would you leave me?”  
Pause.  
“No.”  
“You hesitated.”  
“I did,” Rose said, as if just noticing it, “But, you’re right. He left. And you stayed. And not once did you walk out on me.”  
“I do love you, Rose.”  
“I love you too, Ten,” She took his hand in her own, “Stay with me, okay?”  
“Mmm-hmm.”  
“You will not be alone in this universe, I promise you. No matter what your subconscious says.”  
Ten squeaked, letting his eyes fill with tears, which Rose wiped. He may not be the Doctor, but he can sure as hell try.


	5. Obsession

She could feel his ribs as she snuggled him on the couch, but she didn’t care. Six months, and Ten seemed to be doing a lot better. The Tylers’ arranged a psychologist for Ten, someone who wouldn’t lock him up for his alien stories, and anti-depressants.  
Of course, Rose had wondered why he was so thin, but Ten claimed it was human-time lord biology and metabolism and some science-y mumbo-jumbo, and that he would be fine. And she believed him.  
…  
Somewhere along the line, Ten had stopped eating. He was good at hiding food, disposing of it, feeling bad afterwards for wasting so much. Of course, he knew the limits of human biology; how much food was needed for certain things.  
He didn’t know when it started, probably a gradual thing, but he knows why: control. After Ten got out of the hospital, nearly his every move was monitored, the Tylers’ arranging where he went, when he went to bed and woke up, and taking his medicine. Not to mention being shoved into this universe, banished. Hell, his own existence was out of his control.  
…  
Ten hadn’t counted on Rose being so clever. He thought he could sneak it past her, but she found the food he was throwing out, and became angry.  
“You said you were feeling better!” She yelled, “And then you go and do this!”  
He glared at her.  
“What’s the matter?” She asked, calmly.  
“You watch everything I do,” Ten began, “Like I’ll snap at any second. You tell me when to sleep, when to wake up, when to eat, when to take my medicine. Everything is decided for me, like I’m a damn child!”  
“We just want to help you.”  
“I know you do,” He said, “But you’ve got to realize…My whole existence, I’ve had very little control over anything. I just need…control…”  
“Okay,” She said, “What would you like to control?”  
“How long I sleep, when I can leave the house, when I can eat. You know, simple stuff.”  
She gave him a pleading look.  
“You’re never going to let it go, are you?” He asked.  
“You almost died.”  
“See, this is what I mean,” He began, “You act like this is so strange, like the Doctor didn’t…”  
“Didn’t what?”  
“He was better at putting on a façade than I am,” Ten explained, “That snarky, sarcastic attitude, running head-on into danger? You can’t live nine-hundred years without a little pain.”  
“I figured,” Rose said, “How do you…”  
“Detach myself?” Ten finished, “It’s hard, but I just remember that I never did any of these things. Those memories aren’t mine, so I try to block them out, most of them anyway, and replace them with new memories.”  
“Good ones, I hope.”  
“With you, Jackie, Pete…I’ve never had a family before.”  
She rubbed his shoulder.  
…  
Ten was found watching the sunset outside whilst scribbling some Gallifreyan in his journal. His eyes lit up when Rose sat next to him.  
“I still remember the language,” He said.  
“What does it say?” Rose pointed to the journal.  
“It’s describing the sunset: purple, orange, pink, and the soft grass we’re sitting on.”  
“It’s beautiful.”  
“The writing or the sunset?”  
“Yes.”  
He laughed.  
“I tried to build a sonic screwdriver the other day,” He said.  
“How did it go?”  
“Working on it,” He said, “Rose, I know you miss him…”  
“Forget about him.”  
“Don’t forget about him for my sake,” Ten said, “The Doctor was important, IS important. And I know how he felt about you.”  
She took his hand.  
“You don’t have to be him, you know this.”  
Ten took a deep breath.  
“Yeah. Yeah, I do know. Doesn’t mean I can’t try.”  
“Why?”  
“To be good enough for you,” He said, “I know you keep saying that I am, but…”  
“You’re human,” She said.  
“Mmm?”  
“You act like you want to be perfect, but you can’t be, and that’s fine. Even the Doctor wasn’t perfect.”  
“Right. You always know what to say.”  
“Well, in that case, you won’t like what I say next.”  
“Does it have to do with a baby?”  
“How…”  
“I can sense two heart beats,” He said, “And I know you haven’t become a Time Lord recently.”  
She laughed at that.  
“I’ll assume it’s mine, then?” He joked.  
“Of course.”


End file.
